The stuff they don't tell you about.....

I haven't felt "the same" since I've had our baby. I just thought it was the hormones and that I needed to get back to a more equilibrium state. So, I waited and waited for that day...and still waiting.....

Thinking back to the trip we had to take to Texas just 4 days after Javier was born, I had an anxiety attack. It was night and we were in bed and I told Micki that I just wanted to go home. I was so nervous and out of my element and wanted nobody to touch or hold my baby except for Micki and I. Micki agreed to change our flight to Friday instead of Sunday and I felt a bit more at ease. After a few days there, I was fine with leaving the baby. I realized that it gave Micki and I an opportunity to get out and run errands or have dinner.

I seemed to be doing just fine the rest of the summer. Although I felt a bit more laid back, more reserved and a bit more quiet than usual, I thought I was just fine. Until Micki's mom and step dad arrived in early August. As soon as they arrived, they took my baby out of my arms...I got a bit angry about that. I found myself angry a lot while they were here (in the beginning of the visit). They stayed for a month and I realized they were a big help to me. I was able to run errands quickly and go to doctors appointments and such.

Our last weekend together we decided to go up north to my dad's place (Labor Day weekend). While there, I had a major anxiety attack while everyone was sleeping. My body had this huge surge of heat, followed by my heart pounding out of my chest, while my hands felt the heat surge with pins and needles. I had Javier in my arms and felt as though I needed to hand him over to Micki and just run out of the house...Run as far as I could and get all of that energy out of me! However, I just took a few deep breaths, put Javier in his bed and got myself ready for bed. I had a splitting headache and my stomach was flip-flopping. I was so scared to tell Micki about it. I finally confessed the next morning. I didn't know where this came from and I was so scared! We called our OB-GYN's office and told the doctor on call what was going on and she said that this is nothing out of the norm. I was anxious all day long. Like I was on pins and needles and just could not relax. We had to call the doctor back later that day to see if she could prescribe something for me. They gave me Lunesta (you know that sleeping drug for those who have trouble falling and staying asleep)...I didn't care...I needed something!

I went to see our OB-GYN the next day. She rather disappointed us. She didn't make me feel like I was normal...She made me feel like there WAS something wrong with me. She didn't want to prescribe anything else for me until I saw my therapist (which was scheduled for the following day)! She said that she definitely thought I should be on something, but wanted our therapist to recommend something for me...When I heard that, I had another anxiety attack right there in the exam room!!! I had to have Micki open up the door! I felt all closed in and the heat surge run through my body...The doc wanted to draw some blood to check my thyroid and CBC (which all came back normal). She met us down in the lab with a cup of cold water for me...At this point, I was in a daze. I get very drained after having an attack. It is like I am disoriented (and my therapist later told me that feeling is the psychological aspect of an anxiety attack...just as you have the physical with the beating heart, sweaty hands, heat surge..you also have the psychological part which can be disorientation, drained energy feeling---interesting). We tried to call our therapist to see if she could recommend something at that moment but we couldn't reach her...then we called our Primary Care doc and couldn't get a hold of him either. Finally on the way home, Micki called her OB-GYN and he spoke to me on the phone. He prescribed an anti-anxiety drug as well as an anti-depressant right then and there in return, I would go see him the next day.

I took my pills that night. The anti-anxiety pill took effect within 1/2 hour and I was feeling so much better. I was finally able to eat! See, I lost my appetite as well. Nothing sounded good to me since I was really sick to my stomach.

It has been 4 days since I've started my pills. I feel better, but still not "normal" yet. I understand that it will take a bit for the drugs to really get into my system and it will take time in therapy to work on everything. I am being patient. I am living in the moment (as per my therapist) and trying to get through today---I don't need to think about tomorrow yet.