An Emotional Day....

Today (Saturday, May 3rd) was a difficult day. We didn't get much sleep last night. Javi was up every 2 hours to eat and didn't want to sleep in his co-sleeper which is next to the bed. We woke up about 8am and got everything ready to go to work with Mommy Micki since we were going to go to our niece's 1st birthday party afterwards.

Let's backtrack a bit....my mother hasn't been around in quite some time. I saw her only a handful of times during my pregnancy. She never called to see how I was doing, never got to share pregnancy stories, never there to bounce the feelings I was having off of her, never there to laugh about peeing my pants when I laughed or feeling Javi kick inside of me....And then the delivery happened and she never called....She never even picked up the telephone to say "congrats" to us! And 17 days later, still hasn't acknowledged her eldest daughter giving birth to her first born!!!!

Fast forward to this week....I told my sister that if my mother showed up at my niece's birthday party, that Micki and I would not stay. That woman does not deserve to meet our son! I thought it was VERY rude of my own mother not to call when Javier was born, let alone stop BY and see us! Anyways, as we pulled up to the party, lol and behold, there was her car. We pulled up into the driveway and Micki said she would just take the birthday gifts inside and we would leave. All of a sudden almost every person at the party came out to the car to see our son! It was amazing that everyone wanted to see our son! I thought I was doing a good job by just sitting there and keeping it together. Until I saw my sister.....I felt sad that I was going to miss her daughter's 1st birthday party. I was ashamed of myself for not setting my personal beliefs aside to attend my niece's party. But then again, I felt upset, angry, pissed off, and most of all very hurt that my own mother was there she hadn't acknowledged me, my son or Micki. I lost it when I saw my sister...I cried. She hugged me and told me not to let that woman get to me. But she does get to me. She does...My grandmother then came around and gave me a big hug and told me that I am very loved. I know that I am. I am loved by my wife, my son, my dad, my sister, my chosen family and my friends. But a love from a mother....that is different...

For a very long time, I have felt that my mother hasn't felt like a mother to me. She has felt like a distant relative...one that I don't associate much with...One that is like some distant cousin that I see once in a while and don't really speak much about anything. So why would I breakdown like I did??? Because she is still my mother. And it hurts.